Imbalanced…

Found out a couple days ago that apparently my hormones are imbalanced which might explain a lot of things. However gonna get aid with that so I’ll turn “normal” and more productive person. Have felt these last 2 years that I’ve sometimes just lost interest on doing things. I really hope this solve the problem, but I should be prepared that I just might be a lazy bum. But if I use that positive thinking about that I will get better, then placebo effect might work on me 🙂 And hopefully I’ll turn more productive.

Life is going good right now. I can’t really say why but the girl I like specifically asked to do an activity with me. We are a gang of friends that meet every now and then… Well I’m actually kinda new there, so I have only been with them once for that kind of event. So this time they were gonna randomly pair me with a person and apparently she wanted to get paired with me. The other sees it as that they sold me off since she is a bit weird. However I kinda like that weirdishness in her :). I bet she didn’t have the slightest intend of what most people would think she had if she said like that. Life in the friendzone, happy go lucky. Just gotta pursuit the happiness…

Life as a goal…

We don’t know about what  life holds for us. We can never know the future. We can never change the pass. We might only live in the present, but that’s what makes it all so much more interesting. We can make the move that is necessary to plan for the future. As we reach the goal we are looking for we can look back in the past, and it might gone as we planned.

Today the girl I like called me annoying. It seems like a joke, but it still hurts. Soon I’m thinking of confessing. Just for the reason so I get over with it. She always tells me I’m wrong, unfortunately this time I know I will be right when I confess to her. Cause I’ll know what her answer will be. I’ll still do it, because I don’t want to regret anything in my life from now on. And if I don’t confess to her, then I will always think “What if?” and I don’t think I could live with myself in that case.  It will hurt… I’m sure of it…. But only then can I go on. Maybe I’m looking at this at a wrong point of view, but trust me when I tell you this. She is completely impossible to read, probably the most random and weird girl I have ever met. But that’s probably why I’m attracted to her, that’s probably why I will get shot down as well. Time will tell..

Death Anxiety…

From time to time I feel death anxiety. I don’t really know what to do about it. It usually creeps up at me at days when I’m not meeting anyone or I don’t have anything really to do. Especially at night time. I start to hyperventilate as multiple scenarios of my life past by. I see myself at the hospital bed lying with wires connected to me, and I suddenly start to increase my hyperventilation as tears start to fall from my eyes. A couple days ago I had the worse death anxiety ever, I really had to go and take a walk 2 AM in the night. Having some happy music and thinking about best possible scenarios for me. I notice I’m becoming a person that is like night and day. During the day when I’m meeting other friends, I’m probably the happiest chap around them. Things seems to go well for me, even if I’m a little belated in my studies (sorry mom & dad, will correct my ways). I joke around, I do weird things, I make them laugh, I laugh myself. However when I say good bye, that’s when I feel that I’m truly, deep down, a very lonely person. Still in search for that something that will make my life much better, or should I just accept that I’m a hedgehog. People will stand besides me, but is there really anyone there to give me a long hug?