Time to level up in real life!

No turning back…

As I’m sitting here lonely at night, thinking constantly of what life might have been. All the alternative universe that could have happen. All the good things that could have happened but never did. Some of em was nothing I could do about, but many of them were my own fault I guess. So as things didn’t go as I wanted, as well as I’m not sure if I wanted it to go as I wanted with the girl I was interested in. Interest fades away and logic applies that this is not the best for me. She’s a great friend, cheerful and happy person, but unfortunately too weird. Would it ever work? My conclusion is no, fold your cards boy and look for something else. There’s always something else waiting. Just gotta forget her, although it kinda hurts a little it’s still ok. It’s just chemical feelings inside our bodies that makes us fall in love. And that shouldn’t be a problem to get rid off, I have done it so many times before…

Now… What do I mean by “no turning back”? Well basically I finally found my goal in life probably. And I’m gonna spill my plans here. If it’s succeeded it would be fun to see that everything for once went as planned. By putting this out here puts a lot of pressure on me as well, as I don’t want this to turn to a bunch of hot air. The university that I’m studying at the moment is great, it’s one of the best and probably top university in my country. However on a world scale it’s somewhere between Top 200 university in the world. I also dream of getting into a university with higher international standings and there is one dream that still lives on, Toudai. As a geek I know about this university, but Tokyo University is one of the best university Japan has to offer and is a top 40 university. I would love to study there next year, but to do that I have to graduate. So my project is a dogs year. This is a stand now for all my failures, to finally succeed in what I want and strike through this year with a close to 200% speed rate in university studies. This means no life at all, to gain a better life in the future. I have recommendations letter waiting for me to be collected, and if I can do that, it would just be amazing. I would of course send my appliance to all major university, but my dream university is Toudai, it would even be hard for me too chose if I had to choose between an Ivey-league university and Toudai (Not that I would ever get in into an Ivey-league university). So there you have it, no turning back, full blast to assure my future, and doing what I want! Again things might get tough, but I’ll read this post again and again to encourage myself to keep on going….


Good bye and so long

Lot of time has passed since I blogged, so here’s an small update.

I’ve been better lately apparently it isn’t my hormones that is imbalanced. Although I’m gonna need to get the data myself to check as here in our country they say that I am within reasonable values, but I might be off the charts in other countries. My other thoughts is that is time to go private hospital on my other problems as they community hospital is way too slow and competence seems to be low.  Political wise I guess you have to go totally socialistic with the care or almost totally private.

The girl I liked seems to be a lost cause, she’s still a good friend but my feelings for her are all gone. She was too different for me, but I have now seenher real side. It’s not bad just because she’s different. So I hope she finds a better suited guy in the future. As for myself I hope I find another person in the future, time will tell. But I am not ready to commit into something as serious as a relatonship before I fix my own problems. One step at a time, on to one direction. Finally might have understood the importance of a realistic goal, as you need to reap the fruits once in a while.


Found out a couple days ago that apparently my hormones are imbalanced which might explain a lot of things. However gonna get aid with that so I’ll turn “normal” and more productive person. Have felt these last 2 years that I’ve sometimes just lost interest on doing things. I really hope this solve the problem, but I should be prepared that I just might be a lazy bum. But if I use that positive thinking about that I will get better, then placebo effect might work on me 🙂 And hopefully I’ll turn more productive.

Life is going good right now. I can’t really say why but the girl I like specifically asked to do an activity with me. We are a gang of friends that meet every now and then… Well I’m actually kinda new there, so I have only been with them once for that kind of event. So this time they were gonna randomly pair me with a person and apparently she wanted to get paired with me. The other sees it as that they sold me off since she is a bit weird. However I kinda like that weirdishness in her :). I bet she didn’t have the slightest intend of what most people would think she had if she said like that. Life in the friendzone, happy go lucky. Just gotta pursuit the happiness…

Life as a goal…

We don’t know about what  life holds for us. We can never know the future. We can never change the pass. We might only live in the present, but that’s what makes it all so much more interesting. We can make the move that is necessary to plan for the future. As we reach the goal we are looking for we can look back in the past, and it might gone as we planned.

Today the girl I like called me annoying. It seems like a joke, but it still hurts. Soon I’m thinking of confessing. Just for the reason so I get over with it. She always tells me I’m wrong, unfortunately this time I know I will be right when I confess to her. Cause I’ll know what her answer will be. I’ll still do it, because I don’t want to regret anything in my life from now on. And if I don’t confess to her, then I will always think “What if?” and I don’t think I could live with myself in that case.  It will hurt… I’m sure of it…. But only then can I go on. Maybe I’m looking at this at a wrong point of view, but trust me when I tell you this. She is completely impossible to read, probably the most random and weird girl I have ever met. But that’s probably why I’m attracted to her, that’s probably why I will get shot down as well. Time will tell..

Death Anxiety…

From time to time I feel death anxiety. I don’t really know what to do about it. It usually creeps up at me at days when I’m not meeting anyone or I don’t have anything really to do. Especially at night time. I start to hyperventilate as multiple scenarios of my life past by. I see myself at the hospital bed lying with wires connected to me, and I suddenly start to increase my hyperventilation as tears start to fall from my eyes. A couple days ago I had the worse death anxiety ever, I really had to go and take a walk 2 AM in the night. Having some happy music and thinking about best possible scenarios for me. I notice I’m becoming a person that is like night and day. During the day when I’m meeting other friends, I’m probably the happiest chap around them. Things seems to go well for me, even if I’m a little belated in my studies (sorry mom & dad, will correct my ways). I joke around, I do weird things, I make them laugh, I laugh myself. However when I say good bye, that’s when I feel that I’m truly, deep down, a very lonely person. Still in search for that something that will make my life much better, or should I just accept that I’m a hedgehog. People will stand besides me, but is there really anyone there to give me a long hug?

Complexity in overanalyzing

Weight, 75 kg. Was hitting down to 72 kg a while, really felt it was kinda a stop there, although still a lot of body fat. I started to run instead and have increased my muscle mass however gone to a more normal diet. After the exams I’m probably going back to a high protein diet again and train more than ever, pushing myself to the limit. Right now I’m running for around 30-40 min every second day to keep my weight in shack.

Since last time my impetigo was gone after 1 week but I still looked funny until like 2 weeks after. I did see her for a movie night at my place but have a hard time trying to figure her out. What appeals to me is her randomness and still willing to see me. Recently I have by mistake maybe said some weird things to her that could be misunderstood and given the fact that our SMS conversation stopped 2 days ago I think it has been misunderstood. However I’ll let her mope around for another day and if she doesn’t answers then it’s probably not completely my fault either. She would by after the given time we’ve spent together understood that I’m not some kind of douchebag or player that is trying to set her up in some weird way.

She knows where she has me, that’s probably one of my weakest points since my stupid mouth once blurted it all out once. I need to get some new fresh ideas to try to be funny and subtle with her. Maybe some hints here and there that I still can joke away incase she does a call on me. Yeah, I might be friend zoned. Even though I might like this person I’m not afraid of taking the hit of having my heart crushed again. Weirdly enough, I guess you can get used to it? 😛

Some time has passed …. :)

It was a while since I updated here, reason is that life has been quite busy for me. I have kind of confessed to a girl I was interested in by asking her out. I probably did that too early as she backed out and asked if we could only stay as friends. The funny part though is that she still keeps in touch, I know what you all are gonna say “Your being friend zoned”. But I think she knows my intention more now. And she still wants to see me privately, however I’m not a person to let myself be friend zoned too long if that’s the case. I will most likely confess to her soon again in probably a month or so and if she asks me if we can just be friends. I’m gonna say no, that this is it, and this is where I stand. It’s a little bit all or nothing, I might be heart broken but you gotta chance sometimes with these things.

Right now my weight is 74 kg 🙂 Had to stop a while and eat as a normal person as I got impetigo (Argh! What are the odds for a grown man to get it? Quite high apparently as I visit my university frequently and uses public transport as well as my roommate is studying to become a doctor meeting sick people all the time probably). So I gained back to 76 kg since I got depressed and ate Ice Cream for 3 days in a row -_-. Initially I kinda had a date booked for this week, but not gonna go see her with my face completely eaten up by this disease. Have gotten penicillin against it and most of the swelling has gone down as well as the scab has fallen off (eeewww), now it’s most red and it’s looking a bit messy still.

Sometimes I wonder what I do to get this kind of luck? XD Ah well, Life throws shit against me all the time, and I’m used to getting K.O punches against me, so I won’t budge!

Leveling up…

Right now I’m about 78.4 kg when I weighted myself a couple of days ago. I’ve been getting some more attention from girls lately is what I’ve noticed, however I’m not there yet. I can’t waste my time on already going out for the “hunt” lol. My biggest issue right now is, “Should I life weights?” Like really? Should I? If you take the consideration that by lifting weight I will gain muscles and that will be heavier than fat. Of course I understand that the most important is not the weight scale itself, but how your body will look and feel. However I might think that this will not help me psychologically if I were to stand on the weight and see that I’ve gained weight instead.

My goal is still the same, I found out that I have a normal BMI under 76 kg so I gotta break that one first. I haven’t had time to do training but will have to get ready as soon as my exams are finnish and run like hell. If I’m lucky, I can make it before the 15th and concentrate on weight reducing. Going on a party however on the 17th. Will try to eat some food at home first before getting there so I don’t have to eat too much carbs or so. The best to drink when it comes to alcohol during low carb times is apparently some kind of dry wine. Not any kind of fruity wine however cause that has a lot of sugar.

The 18 would probably be a slow day and a bit wasted day I guess, gonna have to keep a check on how much liquor I drink so that I at least can take some walks to get some exercise and maybe do some study reading. Then from the 19th I gotta run like hell I guess so I can meet my weight limit. Before the 23rd I think I will try eating carbs again but of course lot of fiber and pull out all fat food. So it’s gonna be a switch for my stomach so I at least can eat some christmas food. The question is if I can keep the exercise up to be able to start eating normal again.

I guess I’ll keep posting after exams. Peace!

Broken! 79.5 kg

The day before I weighted in at 79.5 kg. But you can tell that it is starting to go muuuch slower from here onwards. However slow is good apparently.

Ah the technical analysis, support levels at 80… we meet again..

Now I usually do tend to kid around with my friends when I reach 80 kg. It’s like some kind of fucking barrier there that won’t allow me to pass that support level. I guess it might have something to do with my stomach being upset and I’ve got a constipation. So I guess the only right thing to do now is to fight fire with fire, at the moment loads of coffee is being inhaled with lot of milk. And for the record, I’m lactose intolerant. This is where the “shit goes down”…. literally.